heaven knows i'm miserable now
by fatedtopretendd
Summary: "There is so much hate inside her, love too, but right now it's the hate which is burning." The summer between season 1 and 2. One-shot. Marissa centric. Summer/Marissa.


**A/N: This was meant to be a Coop and Sum friendship fic but it's really more of a Marissa fic by the end. Anyway, I hope this is enjoyable (even though it's quite a depressing fic). Warning for the strong language.**

**Read and review as ever.**

/

Her first morning in the new mansion, Marissa wakes up hung over. Technically, Julie wakes her up. She walks in at 9am, pulling the curtains apart and demanding that Marissa gets up at once. They are going to have breakfast as family, she insists. Marissa tells Julie to go away, dragging the thin sheet over her head when Julie threatens to stop her allowance. Marissa wants to tell Julie to fuck off but mumbles, "_Whatever." _

She comes down 45 minutes later, expecting Caleb to have gone but he is still there - Julie made him wait. This is the first and only time they all have breakfast together. Caleb attempts small talk but gives up after two attempts. Marissa is non-responsive, at most shrugging or muttering a yes or no, as Julie talks endlessly. Her head is throbbing, she feels nauseous and the only thing that she can think of is that 24 hours ago, Ryan was still in Newport. The scene plays out in her head. Ryan in Theresa's car, driving away into the sunset, to a future that she could not belong in. The images repeat and suffocate her.

At 11, Summer calls her. Summer is crying, in borderline hysterics, mumbling something about Seth running away.

"The bastard, I can't believe it, the selfish fucking asshole. I can't believe he's fucking doing this to me," she keeps saying over the phone.

"Sum, calm down. God, where are you?" Marissa asks, immediately concerned.

"Coop, I can't fucking calm down. He's gone, he just fucking left."

Marissa is silent, wondering what the hell happened.

Finally, Summer says quietly, "I'm sitting outside the Cohen's house in my car."

"I can come pick you up," Marissa offers.

"No, no, it's okay. I'll drive home," Summer replies. "I'll be alright to drive home."

"_Sum,_" Marissa says warningly. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'll be fine."

Marissa immediately gets her mom's car keys and drives over to Summer's house. When she arrives, she sees Summer's car in the driveway and relief passes over her. She finds the spare key and lets herself in. When she walks into the house, it's empty and eerily silent.

"Sum?" she calls out. She hears a sob and heads up to Summer's bedroom.

Summer sits on her bed with a worn out piece of paper in her hand. Tears run down her face dripping on to the paper.

"Oh my god," Marissa says quietly and goes over to hug her best friend. Summer grips her tightly, crying harder into her shoulder. When the crying finally eases, Marissa asks softly, "Sum, what happened?"

Summer lets go of Marissa, wiping her eyes and then hands her Seth's letter.

"He's gone," she tells her again. Marissa reads what Seth's written, about how he cannot bear to stay in Newport without Ryan, he loves her and he's sorry, but he can't stay here. He needs to leave.

"_Shit_," Marissa says in disbelief.

* * *

"Boys are such dicks," Summer rants. It has been two weeks and they both agree to forget about the boys and move on, but somehow they always end up talking about the same thing.

Marissa laughs softly, cynically. She takes a sip, or a gulp, of her vodka laced coke. Summer's has half the vodka hers does but that doesn't stop her from noticing Marissa's back to old habits.

"Yeah, I guess," Marissa agrees. This is how it goes. Summer always rants, brimming with anger and Marissa listens, agreeing half-heartedly.

"Boys are overrated. Love is fucking overrated. All it does is rip you apart when scrawny little cowards like Cohen decide they can't be with you because their fucking best friend left town."

Marissa smiles sympathetically and says nothing. Her heart has been ripped apart too. She wants to scream and shout as well, but she can't bring herself to. They both got left behind but Ryan had no choice. But he did have one when he slept with Theresa, she thinks and then erases the thought.

"God, this is _so_ fucked up, Sum," she groans. "How is it possible for another person to matter so much?"

Summer goes quiet at Marissa's abrupt statement. Her eyes narrow, staring down at Marissa and then she starts speaking with a new determination.

"No Coop, the boys don't matter. We are not going to let them matter. We are going to move on, starting living our lives and start having fun."

"Mmm, because we've done such a great job so far," Marissa comments with deep sarcasm.

"Coop, I'm serious," Summer replies indignantly, lightly slapping Marissa's arm. "Tonight we are going to forget about Ryan, forget about Cohen and go to LA, sneak into a club, flirt with some boys and get _really_ wasted." Marissa raises her eyebrow at Summer, still questioning her plan. "C'mon Coop, we need to get out and have fun. And I am also not taking no for an answer."

Marissa rolls her eyes, but affectionately, knowing that when Summer had a plan, she was impossible to stop. "Alright, lets do it," she consents. And Summer did say they would get _really _wasted.

The night _is_ fun. They have dinner at a fancy restaurant on Caleb's credit card, drinking more wine than they should and because they can. They go to a club, do shots and dance in the messy crowd. Whenever they approach the bar, boys keep offering them drinks. They giggle, throwing the guys a flirty smile and talking to the ones who look cute. One Italian pair catches their eye. They're first year undergrads at UCLA. The conversation is barely audible against the thumping music but no one cares. The boys ask them to dance and Marissa and Summer share a look of mutual contemplation before smiling and saying yes. On the dance floor, the bass beating down, bodies pressed closely together in an alcohol-hazed frenzy and sex lingering in the hot air, the girls do forget about Seth and Ryan and all their misery.

At the end of the night. The Italians ask for their number and suddenly, they are jolted back to reality.

"We need to dance more often," Marissa slurs on the taxi back to Newport.

Summer giggles and squeals, "_Yes_."

Later when the girls lie together on Summer's bed, sobered by the stifling Newport surroundings, Summer asks, "Did you give that guy your real number?"

"No."

"Me neither."

In the darkness, their minds drift and deliberate.

"I miss him, Sum," Marissa whispers. "_Too much_."

Summer sighs and then there is a pause before she says, "Me too." She searches for Marissa's hand and squeezes it tightly before falling asleep.

* * *

Marissa walks into Summer's room, flopping onto the bed. Summer paces the room in exasperation.

"What's up?"

"Ugh, nothing," Summer groans. "It's just Cohen. He called again last night _and_ this morning."

"Oh." The first time Seth called, a week after he left, Summer hung up him. He tried relentlessly for a while, leaving multiple messages but Summer always deleted them. Now, it's been well over a month and he's still trying. "Well, did you talk?" Marissa asks.

"God no, I mean ranting and screaming at him doesn't could as talking, right?"

"No," Marissa assures, shaking her head. At that point, the phone rings and the girls' heads snap to look at it.

"Seth?" Marissa questions looking at Summer.

Summer checks the caller id and sees it's an unrecognized number and assumes it is.

"I am going to kill that ass," she announces. She picks up the phone and shouts into it, "Fuck. Off." Marissa jumps at the sudden outburst. "Oh my god, sorry, I thought you were someone else," she hears Summer say suddenly and erupts into laughter. Summer puts down the phone and stares back at Marissa in embarrassment. A giggle escapes. "I can't believe that just happened."

"Who was it?" Marissa asks as Summer sits down next to her.

"Some sales guy. They _are_ kind of annoying."

Marissa glances around Summer's room and observes how all traces of Seth have been removed. She thinks about the pictures of Ryan and her which exist so neatly on her dresser and wishes she could be as strong and resolute as her best friend.

"You know, at least Seth cares enough to call you," Marissa points out hesitantly.

"No, he doesn't care. He's only calling to save his ass," Summer replies with a sigh. She studies Marissa and adds, "Do you wish Ryan would call?"

Marissa opens her mouth to reply yes but shuts it out of shame.

"Wait, have _you_ called him?" When Marissa stays quiet, Summer catches on. "Coop!"

"I know, I know I shouldn't have. I need to move on, _I know_, but it's different with us," Marissa protests. "And It was just a few times, it's not even like we said very much."

"Is it not like totally awkward?"

"It is but it's better than nothing. He never hangs up, but he's never the one who calls either," she confesses. She does not mention the late night calls, made in a half-drunken stupor, when neither is capable of saying anything. She always expects the strickening silence to end but he prolongs it until she can't bear it any longer.

"It'll get easier, Coop," Summer says. "We just need to give it time."

Marissa smiles, not believing Summer's words.

* * *

Summer meets Zach on the 4th of July at a Harbor party. The parties depress Marissa reminding her of past times, of lonely days and elaborate pretences. A life that is once again becoming familiar.

For their second date, Summer convinces Marissa to join them for a double date. Summer promises that Zach's friend Tom is _freaking hot and exactly what she needs to get over Ryan_. Tom's a decent guy and everything Summer promises. Maybe a time ago, Marissa would have tried. She would have smiled, made conversation and flirted slightly. But she's tired of the lies and the fake smiles and acting like their lives can go on as normal when it feels like her world has fallen apart. She keeps falling and falling into a pitch-black darkness stained with broken promises and the stench of liquor. She's simply tired, and so she's a bitch to Tom. Summer accuses her of wallowing in self-pity. Marissa shrugs, not denying it because it's probably true.

* * *

Seth calls her just once that summer. He's a bundle of nerves and pleas, begging her to talk to Summer for him. She tells him he fucked up. That he made a fucking mistake when he left. He broke Summer's heart, irrevocably and carelessly. For the first time, Marissa is shouting, ranting in a way only Summer does. Seth mumbles an apology, his voice shaking and Marissa wonders if he is crying. Tears are running down her cheeks. _I love her_, she hears Seth say. There's a moment of silence and then Marissa sighs. The two of them are truly wallowing fools.

He asks if she wants to talk to Luke and then Luke's on the phone, greeting her with an affectionate _babe_. He's boisterous and foolish and so wonderfully unassuming. It is a refreshing change. He makes her laugh and it is a proper laugh, rippling up from her belly and lighting up her face. They reminisce about old summers, retelling stories from years and years ago, about sailing on his dad's boat and having bonfires on the beach. Stories of innocence and happiness, ones which make Marissa miss the past. She's feeling nostalgic and sentimental and Luke feels like a good kind of familiar. Luke, her philandering, unfaithful ex-boyfriend. She thanks god he isn't here sitting next to her because she can see clearly where that would have led.

* * *

She fucks DJ as a mistake. A spur of the moment, impulsive decision. Out of resentment and desperation and utter loneliness. (They seem to be the only emotions that drive her to sex.) Afterwards, DJ looks at her nervously, clearly wondering if he's about to lose his job.

"Don't worry," she says, lips pursed in a tiny smile. He nods and walks out stoically.

It surprises her when later he asks her out on a date.

"Somebody could see us," she points out.

He smirks and replies, "I know a place out of town." He reminds her vaguely of Ryan on that first night, with that same enticing air of change.

There is so much hate inside her, love too, but right now it's the hate which is burning. She hates Newport, hates her mother, hates Ryan even. It's melodramatic and over the top but it feels like the fucking reality. She wants to say fuck you to the world and she thinks fucking DJ might at least say it to her mother.

* * *

It's quickly obvious that this is more than meaningless sex for him and she can't keep fucking without feelings. They drive out to a neighbouring beach upon his insistence. As dusk falls, they smoke cigarettes and watch the sunset.

"Why are you so sad?" he asks. Marissa's quiet, watching the orange sky in front of her. It's so peaceful, the waves are quiet and the beach is mostly empty.

"Broken heart," she answers finally and sounds every bit as broken as she feels.

/

fin.


End file.
